Dear Future Employer

WillWorkForMilkCatThe dialogue between job seekers and hiring managers is changing. It’s easy for candidates to slightly alter a cover letter, attach a résumé, and apply for any job posted online. The initial vetting process by companies can then take ages, no thanks to the mounds of unqualified applicants who thought, “Why not?” when sending in their application. This process is causing many applicants to dig deeper, create customized documents for each position (as it should be), and research the heck out of each company.

Researching potential colleagues and senior team members is easy thanks to social media platforms and digital media however it can quickly lead to a loss of individualism when a paycheck is at stake. (I’ll speak more about this in a future post so stay tuned.) In the meantime, I took a whack at producing slightly more honest recreations of correspondence between job seekers and hiring managers. I hope that your experiences in no way look like this and I would like to point out that I have had some incredible conversations with hiring mangers and their colleagues over the years.

(It’s best to listen to “Brand New Key” by Melanie when reading this post.)

Dear Future Employer,

I am writing to convey my excitement and qualifications for the incredibly vague job description you posted. I like your company/organization and attached my résumé with a photo. I understand that your POS-5000 Résumé Reader does not look kindly on photos but I thought you should know that I am a living breathing person. Please respond, I’m desperate.

Sincerely,

Job Applicant

*      *      *

Dear Job Applicant,

We received your non-descript résumé and cover letter. Please await further details.

POS5000 Résumé Reader

*      *      *

Dear Future Employer,

It’s been three weeks and I’m nervous. Are you still considering me? I emailed my prospective supervisor and they said to await further details too.

JA

*      *      *

Hello JA,

It’s been two months since your application, however we assume that you want to work with us so badly that you never applied anywhere else and certainly have not found a job you would like as much as working here. What are your salary requirements?

Thanks,

Hiring Manager

*      *      *

Hello Hiring Manager,

I really don’t want to discuss salary requirements yet since you haven’t shown any interest in me and will only use this information to either disqualify me or lowball a salary later on.

Best,

JA

*      *      *

Hi JA,

We can discuss it later. Can you have a call with us in 10 minutes? Any information you can share such as your online portfolio, urine sample, or photo of you hugging our building would be appreciated.

HM

*      *      *

Hello Hiring Manager,

What? I’m taking a shower. Yes, yes. I’ll hurry.

JA

*      *      *

Hiya JA,

Thank you for speaking with us. We’ll be in touch. Please hold the next month open in case we call again.

HM

*      *      *

Hello Hiring Manager,

Sounds great! I’ll start cyberstalking your senior team now. I hope you will all follow me back on Twitter or RT my posts that will now only focus on your mission/product.

JA

*      *      *

Wassup JA?

Much of this position will require writing. Please translate the Gutenberg Bible into Japanese. This should show us that you will do anything to work here.

Besties,

HM

*      *      *

Hello HM,

Really? Well just this once. Attached is the translated text. I stayed up all night to get this to you ASAP.

JA

*      *      *

JA my man,

Thank you for sending us the translation two months ago. My sincerest apologies but we decided not to hire for the position anymore and then sort of, kind of decided to open the search again. We assume you have put your life on hold until now. Please fill out this background check so we may begin the interview process.

HM

*      *      *

Hello HM,

Happy Thanksgiving! Attached is the completed background check. Please let me know if you want some blood. I have quite a bit.

JA

*      *      *

JA!

We hope you had a lovely Easter:) No need for the blood. We hired someone a few months ago and decided to keep them on board after their review. We have your DNA from the tears you wept over the bible translation you sent us. We will keep these on file somewhere but never look at them again. All the best in your job search!

HM

*      *      *

Dear HM,

Thank you for this opportunity to mold myself to your image, produce work free of charge, and never meet you in person. I enjoyed rearranging my life and researching your interviews/blogs/tweets/FB posts/videos/etc. trying to guess what might get your attention since you never once provided any feedback. Please keep me in mind should you want to put my life on hold again for several months.

Yours forever,

JA

A few related posts:
8 Pitfalls to Avoid When Job-Hunting from Home

6 Inspirational Quotes For…Job Seekers

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3 thoughts on “Dear Future Employer

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