Press Release in Critical Condition After Alleged Assault by PR Bloggers

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Industry weighs future of traditional formatting, considers “pulling the plug”

BLINKING CURSOR, DESKTOP – February 11, 2013 – Press Release remains in critical condition after an alleged assault by Public Relations Bloggers according to police reports. Members of The Industry gathered at The Watercooler earlier this week to weigh the fate of Release amid reports that pulling the plug on traditional formatting remains an option.

“I don’t understand why anyone would do this to Release,” said Suit N. Tie. “He’s been a solid representative of Corporate News for decades. If we lose Release, we will be at the mercy of Millennial Mentality and their Apps. I just hope that he pulls through for the sake of his Alerts and Statements.”

A copy of the initial police report confirms that Release was last seen sitting on A Printer late Wednesday evening awaiting a meeting with Client C. Eeyo. A jogger found him early Thursday morning, badly beaten in an alley behind The Agency. Members of Millennial Mentality have been known to blog from The Agency from before sunrise until well into the evening, according to law enforcement insiders.

Release is currently in “draft form” according to doctors as teams of surgeons work around the clock in an effort to upgrade his condition to “immediate release”. In the past few days he has undergone several surgeries including a series of procedures to remove his Subhead, implant Hyperlinks, and Align his Content for future readability. Earlier today surgeons also removed his Boilerplate in a routine surgery to sever the non-functioning organ. Doctors stated that these procedures were necessary if Release was to ever face the public again. A 6 second Vine video of the procedures is expected to be available later today said Online.

Members of The Industry have yet to inform the public of their decision regarding Release’s future yet leading members of Millennial Mentality’s recruiting arm, Account Coordinators (AC), were quick to share their views.

“Words are so 2011,” said AC President @PRGuruNinjaRockstar. “If it’s not in pictures no one knows what you’re talking about. BTW, what are we talking about?”

Release’s spouse, Written Pitch, was seen leaving the hospital yesterday evening but reporters were unable to understand what she said. It appears that doctors have a “Solution” for the “Enterprise” but it is not clear what that is or what it means.

A police department insider said on condition of anonymity that several high-ranking members of AC are suspected in the attack.

“We are in the midst of conducting eyewitness interviews and researching blog posts made by AC members however this process is challenging. We are bringing in code breakers to decipher messages that almost always begin with ‘5 Tips Every PR…’ that appear to be shared among AC members in an attempt to share information gathered from within The Industry.”

“To think we may have a traitor within The Industry just sickens me,” said Back N. Theday, VP of VPs at The Industry. “I’ve heard of these blogs although I’ve never met Online in person. Nevertheless, I’m sure that if it’s important I will see a recap in Bacon’s next printing. Which reminds me, I’ll need to ask my assistant of 30 years if our subscription is up to date.”

As the communications climate continues to change, Release may prove to be the first major fatality since Fax. A longtime favorite of The Industry, Fax’s murder was widely attributed to E-Mail although he was never convicted.

For more uninformed speculation please visit any PR professional who is sure to have an opinion on Release’s future prospects.

(Read yesterday’s post for a different approach to discussing the future of the press release.)

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3 thoughts on “Press Release in Critical Condition After Alleged Assault by PR Bloggers

  1. This is fantastic. Prognostication on the fate of the formal press release is about as useful as any given Sunday’s color commentary. It’s essentially the “Gotta put more points on the board to win this game” of public relations. How profound.

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